Junior Evin Barber stops a shot by alumnus Will Lampe.

Hearts were moved, tears were shed, and stomachs were turned. Ah, the tradition of alumni soccer continued once again at the Parkview soccer field Thursday night.

Fifteen Parkview alumni soccer players took part in the charity event, designed to raise money for coach Nurnberg’s pet philanthropy: snails that have no shells.

“I think it’s sad that people look down on so-called ‘slugs,’” Nurnberg said. “Put a shiny shell on the little guys, and man… suddenly they’re cute!”

A little less than $1 was raised.

Alumnus Matt Medley discovered Big Foot living in the woods behind the home team's bench. "I love nature," Medley said.

“Medley found some change in the parking lot, and I took it from his shoe while he was playing,” Nurnberg said.

Still, the game did raise a lot of questions for the Parkview program as it enters the 2010 season:

• 

  Sophomores TJ Joy and John Bogue make the rest of the alumni game participants feel awkward.

  Will sophomores TJ Joy and John Bogue be able to form an effective partnership? Photographic evidence suggests the two may not be on the same page.

• Does the Parkview soccer field have adequate security patrolling the neighborhood? A rash of troublesome break-ins by area youths suggests this problem has not yet been fully solved. Senior Mackenzie Payton, who has volunteered to provide extra surveillance for the time being, attended the game in full police uniform as a show of our strength for the aggressive North Koreans. “The best defense is a good offense,” Payton sagely said.
  

  Senior Mackenzie Payton swears she'll catch them varmits that's done damaged the shed. "Yee-hawww!" Payton said.

• Are Morgen and Vance really college material? It’s really hard to say. On the one hand, they successfully executed the secret Drury hand shake (see photo). However, when asked what degree they both were pursuing, each responded, “Ninety eight point eight, or so.” Thus, the jury is still out.
  

  Alumni Vance Marlow and Morgen Holt sit on the Parkview bench during the alumni game. "This brought back a lot of memories," the two sang simultaneously in perfect harmony.

• Will Nurnberg lose more hair? “It all depends on how well we defend this year,” Nurnberg said. “Either way, I’ll probably start wearing more hats.”
  

  This is an artist's rendition of Nurnberg's hairline two and a half months from now. The good news, according to many physicists and theologians, is that the future is not yet determined. In fact, Nurnberg could even regain active hair follicles should things go well.